i’ll still be keeping my walls up
i’ve been feeling very down today. Emotional and lonely. I miss the simple way things used to be. I wake up one day and realise i’m 24 and without ever having had a proper relationship to make me feel adequate enough as a desired woman, and i wonder who will ever want me.
This got alot to do with my personality cause i guess i know i have walls that prevent people from getting in. But surely one brave soldier can break it down and not run once he looks inside.
Letting someone in leaves you vulnerable. I get that. But Why does it matter so much what the person thinks once they take a look inside..? Why does it hurt when they don’t like it so much.. When its too ordinary maybe. Or too simple. Or too complex. Or too something or the other. Who will ever want me..
never going to happen, but secretly wishing.. ‘Let me be your supernova’
currently listening to kanye west and mr hudson, supernova. Awesome song but it kinda puts me in a mood. I think about the time i met muhammad.. Who had it all, but it wasn’t z.
A part of me wishes that z would have this song in his heart and relate it to me and him. Us.. When i’m struggling to write this one off. I wish he would want me to let him be my supernova. To stop me from making the biggest mistake of my life. By not letting me move on to someone else. To tell me that i got it wrong when i say our love is gone. I wish he could just take a chance on me and try. Or give me a chance. I’d make him happy.
But,reality check, it wasn’t love. It was just a bunch of feelings that at the time seemed to just want grow and flow all over the place. To Seep into visions of a future of us. And how amazing it’d all be.. Sigh.. I wish i never had these feelings.
We haven’t spoken since. And i know i should let go. I haven’t asked him to take a chance on me. He should want to take it. So i’m just gonna leave it. Not to say that its easy. But he doesn’t know how i feel. and it doesn’t matter.
never going to happen, but secretly wishing.. ‘Let me be your supernova’
currently listening to kanye west and mr hudson, supernova. Awesome song but it kinda puts me in a mood. I think about the time i met muhammad.. Who had it all, but it wasn’t z.
A part of me wishes that z would have this song in his heart and relate it to me and him. Us.. When i’m struggling to write this one off. I wish he would want me to let him be my supernova. To stop me from making the biggest mistake of my life. By moving on to someone else. To tell me that i got it wrong when i say our love is gone. I wish he could just take a chance on me and try. Or give me a chance.
But you know what, truth is it wasn’t love. I wish i never had these feelings.
We haven’t spoken since. And i know i should let go. I haven’t asked him to take a chance on me. He should want to take it. So i’m just gonna leave it. Not to say that its easy. But he doesn’t know how i feel. and it doesn’t matter.
where i am now (part 2)
while i retired to my tent on saturday night i logged onto mxit and found him online. as usual he never said anything to me and i contemplated starting a conversation. because there was someting i felt i needed to say.
i started off with ‘i’m camping out in a tent’. ‘tonight’. ‘ you ever did that?’
‘nope never. sounds like fun’
i didn’t mention that i could hear the camp guide and her friend talk pleasantly into the night. you know completing each others sentences and laughing nd as if they knew each other for a life time. i had that once. i was happy for the two of them, though it made me realise how lonely i was and i wondered if i would ever experience that with someone.
then i asked about what he was doing. aparently he had just got home from a friends wedding. i could only imagine the kind of mood it can put a person in. maybe not but for me weddings are emotional affaris. i typed out my well wishes for the new couple and he responded by typing ‘amen’. then followed a long pause between us- from my end the night seemed cool and peaceful, i knew the dew settled on top the little tent and i had the image of drops collecting and rolling down the fabric together with the shadow of the tree above me, the noises of the girls and the couple not far away from me was a little comforting. i waited a while wondering about what might have been going on at his end. then i started ’regarding what you said the other day.. you not a bad person’
‘yeah i see that differently’
here follows the rest of the conversation. most of what i typed out were one liners. its all in clusters of sentences but i’ve seperated them with full stops. i hesitated at a few points, but in the end this is how it all came out. too late to take anything back, not that right now i feel i want to. i think that at the time i said what was on my mind. and im glad that he gave me the chance.
and certain things are not your fault. control is an illusion. things happen for a reason
z: they are
whether you act on something or not. you not a bad person
z: i disagree
you gave what you could. and at one point you said you gave too much
z: maybe
you said you dont want to make either of your lives miserable. at the time thats what it seemed like you wouldve done. you gave it two years worth of best shots. and maybe right now, had nothing happened you wouldve still been trying at it. you just never know for sure. or you’d have been the happiest man alive with her. you just never know for sure. im going to stop now
z: pray for me
im sure you can figure this one out on your own. i was just saying. dont be too hard on yourself
z: yeah i know
thats not all there is to you. you much more than that and you konw it
z: uh
if somethings meant it’ll happen. whethere you play a part or not. ill pray for you. and ill leave you alone. but just know that you not a bad person. and you can’t control it all. bye
z: bye
where i am right now
its been quite a different week. starting last week thursday night, and even though i should no longer be confused and my hopes should be dashed, i cant help but think. that in the end knowing is better than not knowing.
‘i owe you an explanation’ he declares. after weeks of just ignoring me on mxit. and before that months of few and far between general chats.
‘no you don’t owe me’ i reply
‘about why i am the way i am’
‘there’s nothing wrong with you’
‘why i am estranged’
‘you don’t owe me but i would like to know’
i thought we started off prettyweirdly. and on quite a random night, i was consumed with meeting the next days deadline but i put it aside to hear this. i never seen it coming. anyway he went on going on about how he feels guilty for not making one last attempt to make it work with her. he says that even though i was the only one who encouraged him to work on it one last time, he chose not to and now he has been regretting and losing himself, a little more each day. and seeing me reminds him of what a terrible thing he did. omw. what a sad story, right?
all this really means is that he hasnt given me any thought, it was all about her and how he wanted it to work between them and how he should’ve tried but chose not to. how if it did work he would be happier.. very nice.
so i suggest that he can still go back and make it work. i said ‘z its easy to make mistakes. its hard to admit to it and even harder to make it right, but its not impossible.’
and he replies ‘i know. but its way beyond that now. she’s moved on.’
look i know that two years is a long time and alot to walk away from. he must have had alot of feelings for her. i can really respect that. he almost married her. but its not entirely my fault it didn’t wok out. its not my fault he didn’t try one last time. i know he’s been trying at it for a long time though but maybe somethings are not meant to work out like that. but still i told him that sometimes things have to fall apart before they can fall back together again and in more perfect a form. these things are known to happen. when he said she moved on i countered ’she’ll realise its not the same without you’. because really i live with the guilt too. i didn’t mean for things to happen like this. i didn’t mean for someone to get hurt. it was never my intention. i really would like for things to work out for him If he really wants it and if it’ll make him happy.
but i also think that at the time he may have been looking for an out. and i was it. i didn’t mean for things to happen this way. and i sure as hell i didn’t want him to end up feeling like this. i want him to be okay. before i really move on with myself i want him to be okay. i hate that he still feels like this.
‘its never easy to just walk away….. not if it means something to you’
’sometimes fear plays a part’
‘don’t blame yourself. even with the best intentions things don’t work out’
thank tyou for understanding
*i am aware that he may be just running a sad story by me, but then again he may not be. he may have found someonelse and not know how to break it to be. or he may not have. he may be just having a down day. but i think either way i needed to hear this.
camping out tonight
i’m on a hiking trip. Myself and 4students from the school, joining 10 other students from another school. Well its been a tough long day. We hiked up and around a couple mountains. 10km i’ve been told. But it felt like forever and now i’m sore all over. At one point i thought the route would never end. That was quite daunting.
Its evening here, i’m sitting at the pool side looking after the kids. Had a really nice long shower after regretting joining them earlier. The water wasn’t warm enough, not clean enough, and there were some really annoying people inside. Figured i’d prefer a lekker hot shower instead. I’m a little apprehensive sleeping alone in a freaking tent. I’ve never done that before. I’m sure i’ll be fine though. I’ll probably fall asleep nicely seeing as i feel so tired. After this, i asked the camp co ordinator to start a fire for us later on.. Thats gonna be cool i think. Stuff you see in movies. The girls seem to be getting along fine with the others, i’m glad. Thought there’d be tension. Knowing the girls from our school and how they are. I’m quite proud of them though. They behaving well. Reading their prayers on time and helping each other. They even cooked for us. And on a lighter note, they’ve been going around trick or treating campers in the spirit of holloween. Seems like they having alot of fun. Thats all that really matters. Its been a good day.
reminders and regret
i didn’t think i’d wake up to find saturdays funeral all over the news. Front page Headlines on the newspaper and inserts on the radio news, it was a little much. It felt unreal and maybe impersonal. Like everyone was going to read the article and all that had had happened was just an event, and though he is portrayed the hero, he’s no longer with us. Which is not okay for us. For us picking up the pieces, this article cannot even begin to string together the emotions behind this weekend.
I got to work and i knew there was the possibility of the entire school talking about it, we are in the city centre afterall.. And I thought i’d be prepared for when that happened. But when the staff went on discussing details, i felt the room getting small, and i had to get out.
I don’t know why i take funerals so badly, even though i know its a part of reality that it can’t be denied, and that its a test of faith. Even though i know i’ll committ the person in memory and cherish them and try to carry their spirit with me by doing things they might have done if they are still able to and i learn from them and pray for them, it just takes me a while to deal with it…… I think its the finality of it. Death. The fact that i wont hear from them or beable to talk to them when i want. I’m still trying to figure this out.
Anyhow after the dust settles.. What then. Am i really that entitled to feel angry that the world is a little emptier??
An acquaintance started talking to me about this man, like what a good man he was and the things she remembers about him, from when she was younger.. And i began to feel a little jealous of what she was saying..
Howcome i didn’t have that.. How come i can’t remember? She’s not his family, i am. I’m supposed to remember! But truth is, i don’t remember. And if i did, the memories wouldn’t be that pleasant, i doubt it. With the family drama going on at that time… I don’t think it would’ve been grand.
But As far as i can remember, its only been good memories, or pleasant ones rather. Cause i was always treated kindly by him. But as for on a personal level, there just isn’t enough.. Like from childhood and things..
Though He would look at me with love, and put his hand on my head or would stroke my cheek and mumble prayers whenever welcomed me and later on bidding me farewell..
He was an amazing man. I’m very jealous that random people got to know him better than i did.. Its not fair. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.
comfort and gratitude
thanks mj, for taking the time with me last night. It helped alot and it meant even more. May you find the woman that truly appreciates you for all you’re worth. You really are special, and a friend indeed.
sunday at its worst
i wish i had the energy today. I just feel so empty and down. A little lonely and vulnerable. I wish i had someone to make me feel okay. Someone to help me through this. When i can’t find the strength. To help me figure this out. Or to just wait for me and be there while I try.
I hate sundays. This particular sunday is terrible. I’m stuck here with my thoughts and can’t get a grip on things. I hate when i feel consumed and overwhelmed like this.
Yesterday, a family funeral was held in johannesburg. A close relative, a man considered to be my grandfather (grans brother), walked into an armed robbery and died on the scene when he was shot at at point blank range. Its so unfair.
This isn’t why freedom was struggled for. Is there no value for human life in this country?
The man is gone. My life feels emptier. But The widow… I can’t imagine what she’s going through on the inside. From the outside she looks so lost, distraught, broken, violated, helpless, and… Finished. I could not bear to watch her cry at the funeral and later in the room, repeatedly saying how he was her life, and what is she going to do, whats going to happen to her and her only son and his family. It nearly killed me to see her hugging her son knowing that her life will never be the same. That they wont beable to grow old together in each others comfort.
Its just heartbreaking.
I know that nothing ever happens without it being written down by God. I know that He has a plan for each of us, and that by His wisdom and knowledge, we will return to Him when He decides.
It just cuts me up to see the ones left behind pick up the pieces and keep the faith. God tests us with the things we love the most. I don’t think i will beable to handle it. Its just too much. It is just too much.
talking about the weather..
i’m on my way to work this morning. The rain poured in abundance last night, i loved that. The earth smells fresh this morning as a result. Can’t tell if there’s a good chance it’ll rain later today, but the sun is out. And the day looks promising. Thats awesome.
