19 tauri

while i retired to my tent on saturday night i logged onto mxit and found him online. as usual he never said anything to me and i contemplated starting a conversation. because there was someting i felt i needed to say.

i started off with ‘i’m camping out in a tent’. ‘tonight’. ‘ you ever did that?’

‘nope never. sounds like fun’

i didn’t mention that i could hear the camp guide and her friend talk pleasantly into the night. you know completing each others sentences and laughing nd as if they knew each other for a life time. i had that once. i was happy for the two of them, though  it made me realise how lonely i was and i wondered if i would ever experience that with someone.

then i asked about what he was doing. aparently he had just got home from a friends wedding. i could only imagine the kind of mood it can put a person in. maybe not but for me weddings are emotional affaris. i typed out my well wishes for the new couple and he responded by typing ‘amen’. then followed a long pause between us- from my end the night seemed cool and peaceful, i knew the dew settled on top the little tent and i had the image of drops collecting and rolling down the fabric together with the shadow of the tree above me, the noises of the girls and the couple not far away from me was a little comforting. i waited a while wondering about what might have been going on at his end. then i started  ’regarding what you said the other day.. you not a bad person’

‘yeah i see that differently’

here follows the rest of the conversation. most of what i typed out were one liners. its all in clusters of sentences but i’ve seperated them with full stops. i hesitated at a few points, but in the end this is how it all came out. too  late to take anything back, not that right now i feel i want to. i think that at the time i said what was on my mind. and im glad that he gave me the chance.

and certain things are not your fault. control is an illusion. things happen for a reason

z:  they are

whether you act on something or not. you not a bad person

z:  i disagree

you gave what you could. and at one point you said you gave too much

z:  maybe

you said you dont want to make either of your lives miserable. at the time thats what it seemed like you wouldve done. you gave it two years worth of best shots. and maybe right now, had nothing happened you wouldve still been trying at it. you just never know for sure. or you’d have been the happiest man alive with her. you just never  know for sure. im going to stop now

z:  pray for me

im sure you can figure this one out on your own. i was just saying. dont be too hard on yourself

z:  yeah i know

thats not all there is to you. you much more than that and you konw it

z:  uh

if somethings meant it’ll happen. whethere you play a part or not. ill pray for you. and ill leave you alone. but just know that you not a bad person. and you can’t control it all. bye

z:  bye